$2 BILL

On my way home, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me. DAN: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE (T B E): "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
T B E: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's to go."


At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."


He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MGR: "No. A what?"
T B E: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MGR: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
T B E: "Yeah, thought so."


He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
T B E: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
T B E: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
T B E: "Well, hang on a sec."


He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift.
T B E: "He says I have to take it."
MGR: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
T B E: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MGR: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
T B E: "What should I do?"
MGR: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
T B E: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MGR: "Just tell him."
T B E: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."


The manager approaches me and says "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MGR: "We don't take those either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MGR: "I think you know why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MGR: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MGR: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MGR: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MGR: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MGR: "Fine, have it your way then."

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MGR: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MGR: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MGR: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MGR: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MGR: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."


Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
MER: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"


At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."


I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MGR: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MGR: "But it's a $2 bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MGR: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"


The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.